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A sleek leather couch fore-fronting a clean white wall, adorned by not a beautiful cloud but a painting of it. The dockside view from a tall window that could be cleaner but through which nonetheless the light manages to illuminate even the more mournful of days. They are only two of the views I have recently failed to consider intently… wrongfully. Because it is not them who have lost their beauty. It is I who have been distracted once more.
It is astonishing how easily distractible I can be. But if distraction is the worst problem I have to deal with, then it is still safe enough to assume reasons to be hopeful. Because being undistracted is about finding focus on something, which basically means I can ignore my way out of other shit. And let’s face it. It is not a very difficult task for me to ignore things. I ignore plenty. It’s just about using my ignorance in a more productive manner. To starve what is pernicious and to feed what can help me grow, even if it only means… older. Because I assume some wisdom will come along with that.
So, as I choose to make way for more oblivion, I promise myself to keep on recognizing how stupid I can be sometimes, but not so recklessly as to diagnoze an idiot. Because I am not… I just sometimes tend to think more than my brain can manage. And, comical as that may sound. It is different than me being an idiot. Denying that, is a lazy excuse to not live up to my potential. Or more accurate than laziness, it is fear, ferociously finding its way through the pores of my thin-skinned ego, unwanting to acknowledge my imperfection. Hence the sweating.
So, what’s next? Is my own will to determine what follows? Or has the chain of past events established an inevitable path my lifetime is too short for to divert from. God only knows and devil may care… Probably all that matters is now. Or at least so they say. And right now I have an obtrusive urge for beer. And since I only drink during the weekends and it is Sunday afternoon, I better get to it, before the past catches up with me in the moment.