Compliment

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Dear reader, dear listener,

I think I want to say something about my own arrogance today, because it isn’t something anyone or I, myself, tend to notice, I notice. It is imprisoned somewhere deep inside the sanctuary of my wretched ego. If it were out in the open, I would be discussing a different kind of arrogance, the kind of arrogance that is often associated with good looks, a razor sharp mind or a killer body, or all of the above. But that is not me.

Me, I am modest. Have you ever humbly dismissed a compliment you were given? Even just a tiny, formal one that seemed merely motivated by courtesy or compassion? If you have and you are anything like me, you probably tend to feel that this is the most dignified way to react in a situation of this sort. But what I’ve come to recognize lately, is the cruel fault in that assumption. My arrogance is my modesty. And it is ruthless. Yet I’m trying to get a handle on it. Because it is an emergency. I don’t even think that this is an overstatement. Now that I really come to think of it, it may be a matter of life or death.

How dare I decline any seed of encouragement when I am so fiercely yearning for growth? Who do I think I am, that I can presume the motivation behind the kind words on offer. And even if I guess right, does it give me the right to guess? Maybe, there is much more at stake than I realize. Because what is being offered can be a lot of things. And it can be a lot of things at once: a little bit of momentum to thrive on, or just to get through the day, when it’s one of those weeks. Perhaps it is the touch of relief that keeps me from unleashing yet another agonizing recital of my fears, apprehensions and confusion about life to my dearly beloved, at least tonight. A little push to get me moving and eventually send me off towards unmapped territory, on which I end up discovering everything I didn’t know yet before. Who knows?

I am done feeling bigger than the little gifts I am given. No matter how small they are. So let this be an inquiry to my modest me to stop taking itself so seriously and take a damn compliment from time to time. Hell, take them all, all of the time. Because clocks are ticking.